Sunday, March 15, 2015

Cop Show Episode Submission - "The Fan"

COP SHOW - Original series by Colin Quinn

"The Fan"

Written by David Abare


(Colin is sitting in a chair just off set, being interviewed by Interviewer Elsa)


I'm a big deal on Twitter. The fans like to razz me a lot and poke fun at my expense,

(Image of a Tweet saying "The only thing worse than your jokes is your big, fat, stupid face.")


but it's all in good fun. I provide them an opportunity, act a conduit if you will, for a more intellectual type of exchange with a celebrity than they may be used to.

(Image of Tweet saying "The conflict between Arabs and Israelis is not just about land, but in my opinion there's a religious aspect that can't be ignored!"


There are, once in a while, fans that can get a little agitated and hostile if they don't follow the joke or if I don't ReTweet them or whatnot so, I thought about crafting that into an episode where a crazed fan of a Comedian is caught and brought in to be questioned.

(Scene opens in an interrogation room, with a crazed male fan-Dale-type sitting in a chair, holding his iPhone and staring straight ahead with a strange look on his face. Colin is standing on other side of the table and Grace is seated facing the fan.)


Listen, we know that it was you Dale. You've been harassing Bobby Smiggs for over a year now on Twitter and we have the proof. We have printouts of the threats, we have your IP address and phone records and we raided your apartment and we found all the Bobbleheads. If you wanna have any chance of seeing the light of day again you'll start talking!


You hear what my partner is saying here, kid? You can't just Tweet at big time comedians like Bobby Smiggs, things like "I'm gonna face rape you outside the Bodega first chance I get." or "I know where you live, and it's easy to get in I bet" and expect not to be brought downtown!
Cut! (Colin breaks from character and addresses the crew). Should we really be saying "Downtown" when in reality we are in fact uptown?


How would anyone know that though, we have never given a precinct address or even shown the front of the building or a street sign or anything.


Well I'm just saying that if we are trying to create an authentic "Cop Drama feel" (uses air quotes) then shouldn't we make sure what we are conveying to the audience is honest? For the sake of integrity? Maybe it's time to start thinking about moving the production actually downtown.(A phone alert chime goes off, seemingly from Colin's phone)


I think the target audience we are going for here won't be upset if they find out that we are in fact shooting this uptown. Our budget doesn't allow for portable restrooms or even a First Aid Kit so moving everything downtown is not an option. (Getting annoyed as he notices Colin staring into his phone and giggling. He notices actor playing Dale is doing same thing). What the hell is going on, can we get back to shooting this scene please?


(Stands up excitedly) He ReTweeted it! Haha I knew he would. Thanks, CQ.

COLIN: (laughing, and nodding towards Dale)

It's just not something you expect to see. I've never seen it.


What the fuck is going on here? Are you two (motions to Dale and Colin) texting each other right now?


Look at this pic, seriously. It's a fat white cat sitting on a pizza in space. Who thought of that? (Chuckles again)


So, we are shooting an episode of a crazed fan on Twitter harassing a comic and while we are filming you are actually Tweeting with the guy playing that fan?


(Turns phone towards Griffin) Yeah yeah, Irony whatever. Just look at this, really.

(Off set cut away shot)

GRIFFIN: (standing)

My nana told me on my 16th birthday that she would pay for Dental school, a full ride, including an apartment and everything. I could be banging my hygienist and living in Scarsdale right now.

(Back in interrogation room)




(In aggressive angry tone) Well maybe you think the lockjaw routine will work for you in here but good luck trying that with our cop shrink! He's the best in the business and even if you stay clammed up he will find a way to get what he needs! Or prescribe you something from the Glaxo pharmaceutical suite of products that may help to aid in your social dysfunction or paranoid delusions (looking off camera reading something) or manic depression, or con-conjunctivitis (grimaces and notices director motioning to move along), side effects include-. Joe, cuff this clown and get him over to Doc Jenkins before I lose me temper!

DR. JENKINS (In cut away scene, seated)

Colin asked me to come in and play this part so yeah, I agreed. I don't mind helping the guy out and I took some psychology in high school so it's a pretty great fit actually. I don't know if Im getting paid 'cause Colin likes to ramble when he talks on the phone, or in person-pretty much anywhere-and I honestly just agreed so I could get off the phone and take a squirt.

(Camera pans across the face of Dale horizontally, then slowly across the doctor in same fashion, and back to Dale, again across doctor, again Dale, then doctor then abruptly zigs back to doc and zooms in.)


So Dale, tell me...when did your fixation with Bobby Smiggs begin, do you remember?

DALE: (close up)

I like Twitter. ReTweets get me excited.


Interesting, but that's not what I asked. However, let's go with that for a second...when you say 'excited' do you mean you get physically aroused?


I usually get the most ReTweets of all his fans, and the most favorites. ReTweets are better though. I don't understand why he ReTweets some things and not others though, especially when some of the ones he doesn't ReTweet are funnier than the ones he does, and most of the things I Tweet to him are funnier than his original Tweet.


Let's get back to the arousal thing for a minute. Are you aware that certain medications can have sexual side effects, therefore limiting your arousal but at the same time curbing your unhealthy obsessions towards Mr. Smiggs? That sounds like a win win and I'm ready to prescribe something from Glaxo.


He, like, repeats a lot of stuff too. Familiar subjects for some of the Tweets and references to the same stories over and over. It gets kinda annoying but he's not a real comic like Dane Cook or something so you have to let him work with what he has I guess.


You seem consumed by Mr. Smiggs, Dale. One might even use the word, "obsessed". Do you feel like you're life has become consumed by your imagined relationship with him?


Do you think Colin would let me have some of the hair from his hairbrush? Or comb if he uses that? I asked him that on Twitter once but he never responded or ReTweeted it. He didn't block me but he says he never blocks anyone. Do you know if there's a fire escape at his apartment?

DR. JENKINS: (ad libbing and looking off camera)

Uhh, Dale I'm not sure why you're referring to Mr. Smiggs as Colin but maybe the Lexabuterac I prescribe from Glaxo will help with that. We really should focus on-


When I went to the open casting call for this I wasn't sure if I would even meet Colin but I when I showed that AD pictures of his parents bound and gagged he assured me I would get a good part and definitely meet CQ. I always call him that. He likes it.

(camera pans to Griffin and crew just off set, looking nervous)


Cut! Hey, that was great, really, uhh, hey let's get Dale something to drink and maybe we can take 5 here for a sec, sound good? Call security (says quietly to a crew member standing by).


We don't have any security, Mr. Newman.


Well then get a couple of Colin's cousins to take the guy outside or something, there's always like twelve of them hanging around, just get him outta here!

(Scene cuts to a quiet room where Peter is sitting quietly and looks disheveled).


Well, obviously had we known that Colin had a fan like this we would have been much tighter with security and, or well, we would have actually hired some security but the budget is really tight and sometimes you are literally choosing between bottled water for the crew or another hour of electricity. In hindsight, security just can't be one of those things we scrimp on and, we of course need a better screening process for the thousands of actors that show up for the open calls each week.

(Scene cuts to footage of approx 12 guys standing in line outside facing a table with someone sitting, sign overhead says "Cop Show Auditions". Guy at back of the line is actor playing Dale, scrolling through his phone.)


Colin is a high profile guy and if anything had happened to him, as his manager, wouldn't be the money I would miss because honestly there isn't any but, I'd miss the man. He's the most humble, down to Earth and lovable guy a man could have the pleasure of working for.

COLIN: (credits rolling)

Oh come on, these guys freaked out over nothing. So I have a fan that's a little nuts, what A list talent doesn't? See, I address my fans as "gang" (using air quotes), so they know I'm from the streets and can take a licking. No little Twitter bitch is gonna creep up on me and lay me out with a straight right to the chin. I gotta give the guy credit though because I'm a hard guy to get next to and somehow he did it. When you're as popular as I am you need to be cautious but at the same time affable. You need to accept the fact that some of your stories and experiences are going to rile up the N'erdowells who think they can hang with you. Perfect example is this one, which I know makes a lot of people jealous and flap their gums...did I ever tell you about the time I was invited to Robert DeNiros Birthday party?


Copyright David Abare / Rambling Abare 

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