Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Steps for Improving your Facebook and Twitter Experience, for Reals.

Whether it's Facebook, Twitter, Google + or MySpace (and also 2007) -or all of them simultaneously-every one of us are tied into Social Media in some way. Even the reluctant non-conformists end up creating a Profile on Facebook and stalking friends and ex lovers from behind the virtual curtain as they trash the medium publicly (often to the same ones they are stalking). By 2021 it's purported that every single life form on Earth will have a social media account, a smartphone and an Apple Watch. OK, that may be a bit of an exaggeration but it's no question as a species we are more connected in the digital realm than we have ever been and this is only going to increase with time. So, in an effort to make the Social Media experience more bearable for all of us I have offered up some suggestions and advice to assist in the navigation and successful utilization of the most popular sites. These are time proven and highly effective methods that, if adhered to, will make your online experiences as rewarding as one can hope for. Let's begin...

1. Take every fucking Quiz you see on Facebook. Always.
Facebook Quizzes aren't just useless time wasting click baits designed to get you to see the built in ads for Clash of Clans 9 and Farmville 3D!, they are honest depictions of you and your alter egos, spirit animals etc. When you answer those questions about "What Vegetable Was I in My Previous Life?" you are providing the 14 year old who designed the Quiz with precisely the info needed to obtain that answer. When the Quiz finishes and explains that you were in fact a "Rutabaga", you should immediately post to your Wall: "I got Rutabaga!" so everyone that gives a huge shit can see it. Sharing it so other people can see what vegetable they were, or Disney Character they resemble or Rock Song is the soundtrack to their lives is also a swell idea. Always do it.

2.Post any and all thoughts that come into your head, good or bad, every day.
You have thoughts, many of them, and who wouldn't want to hear about them? Certainly everyone on your friends list and all your followers need to know that "I wonder why there is a firetruck at end of my street!?" or "My kids are so annoying right now!!". It's not like any of them have things going on in their lives so why not share every damn thing that pops into your brain. Plus, what IS that Firetruck doing at the end of the street?? Is it stealing your garden gnome? Watering your lawn? Did it run over a Fisher Cat?? People need to know this crap and you're just the person to tell them so they can engage in great conversation with you. Or bang their head against the wall.

3. Vaguebooking is essential to living the best life you can and making sure all that know you think you're awesome and totally normal and balanced.
Vaguebooking is the term given to those on Social media, mainly Facebook, that post intentionally vague and ominous sounding status updates that generally end with "..." and leave the reader wanting to put their face into a metal fan. "OMG, I can't believe he just did that...", or "Fucking done with this shit, done!! I knew this would happen again..." and "WOW. I can't believe it, and I have no idea what to do next...". The posts are meant to generate a response from friends and followers but often times the obligatory "What happened? Are you OK!?!?" reply posts go ignored until there are 33 similar replies in a row and the original poster eventually responds, "My boyfriend just spilled his Michelob Ultra, no biggie!". We should all Vaguebook as much as we can even if massive unfriending and angry texts follow, because it's really cool and fun and makes us feel important. which is cool and shit.

4. Share every positive Meme, picture, E Card and Inspiration poster you ever lay your eyes on.
We all have shitty days, and who doesn't want to avoid having our 17th in a row by seeing your post that finds a beautiful warm sunset covered in text stating "You are beautiful and amazing and strong and all that you do is amazing and strong and beautiful and this day is yours to own and make beautiful, amazing and strong!!" These posts are what most of us need to survive our shitty lives and there's no way we are going to remember that the day before you posted "I fucking hate my sister, sh'es such a whore!!! FML!" so you just put that positivity out there, and do it again tomorrow, because it's not only life changing but it's genuine, eloquent and makes our loins tingle.

5. Complain about the weather as much as humanly possible, and always blame the weatherman for being shitty at their job.
It doesn't matter if you live in New England, which historically has cold and snow often from November into April or the Mojave desert which is a tad dry and toasty, you need to know why the hell it's not the opposite of what it is right now and someone has to be blamed for it. "I am so sick of being freezing cold!!!" absolutely helps us all understand that as a resident of CT you either live in your backyard in a tent in March or don't understand your boiler runs on oil that you have to buy to make heat. Certainly the Weatherman who said "Spring is on it's way soon, folks" should die of Asian Bird Flu because three days later it snowed and the temps never made it out of the twenties. Those bastards have sciencey equipment and shit and should know how to predict something so stable, constant and easy to fully understand as the weather. 

6. Randomly like and comment on old pictures of the opposite sex that very recently friended you.
Nothing shows how deeply interested you are in the life of the twenty-something you just strong-armed into accepting a FB friend request because you shared a 45 second conversation about the song playing than liking the pic of her at the beach from 7 years ago Was she 15, maybe 19, who the hell knows but she was still hot as hell and she will appreciate you liking that pic as well as her whole album titled "What a cray cray night!" from her Freshman year at Uconn. Adding a comment like, "LOL I do this all the time with my buds!" to her pic from 4 years earlier showing her drinking out of a crazy straw with a girlfriend will definitely make her day and never make your friends think you're a creepy 42 year old.

7. Always announce to the any/all friends and followers that you have that you're about to unfriend people or "clean up" your friend list. They will appreciate the heads up.
Let's face it, not everyone can understand or fully handle you as a person and if they can't then it's time to kick them to the curb!! (Holla!) You should always post something like "Been a lotta drama lately so it's time to trim up the friend list. If you don't make the cut I'm sorry but I have to do what's best for me now." so everyone can see that you're so fucking important that those in your world need to know that some may not be worthy of you any longer. Sure, they can probably find all your posts and re-shares anyway because you have no idea how to properly set up your security settings but it's more about the gesture itself and not the eventual unfriending. 

8. Make sure you add "LMFAO" or "LOL" to every single pic, video, E card and meme that you share with your friends and follwers. 
The E card that starts as the author having a healthy salad for dinner and eventually ends as them having wine is the funniest thing any of us have seen in 37 years but it's incomplete as a solo piece without "LMFAO" being added in by you. How would anyone know that was meant to be funny without that acronym? Plus, if you just shared in on it's own how would we know how it made you feel? Your friends and followers need that information, just like we need the "LOL" on the picture of the cat with it's hands up looking like it was getting arrested. Never stop doing this. Ever.

9. By all means, don't ever stop ping-ponging back and forth between being angry and hostile one day to shitting rainbows the next. 
We have all seen it any likely done it, "I am so over dealing with this drama! Not going to take it anymore and I'm dropping the hammer right now!!!" and then the next day offered a follow up post of "Love and accept everyone cause you never know what struggles they have!". Yes, it's bi-polar-ish and mental, especially when it continues for 9 years but it's meant as comedy for all our benefit, right? It can't be serious? But even if it is, you make sure you tell us what the fuck is going on so we can LOL the shit out of ourselves while you threaten to beat your ex with a Dyson vacuum one day and follow it up with your engagement to them at the end of the week. 

10. Share songs, lyrics, movie clips and media items that 1 in 147,233,798 people will care about or have any understanding of.
I do this occasionally, and part of me enjoys doing it to annoy a psychopathic Dentist in Utah, but I really do it because if these items can reach even just 1 person on Earth then my job is done. How are they gonna know if their new favorite song might be "Ballz Deep in Dat Ass" by the new rap act Xplicit Xrated Xcons unless I post it? Will anyone understand the quote, "Do it Jefferson, just do it and don't look back. The Sentinel will understand." that you posted from the student film your cousin made called Violent Toast? Fuck no, but YOU have seen it, you get the context and even if you don't your cousin has been blowing up your phone to promote it for 8 months. Share all these things with those around you and even as your friend and follower count drops, be steadfast in your sharing and posting and worry not about the eventual alienation and loneliness.

Facebook and Twitter are mediums designed to make our lives better, keep us connected and make us way more popular than losers we know that can't figure out the technology. Use these sites in the ways I have expressed and you are guaranteed to increase your awesomeness and feel great about yourself, and possibly get way laid.

Happy posting, folks.

-DAA



Sunday, March 15, 2015

Cop Show Episode Submission - "The Fan"

COP SHOW - Original series by Colin Quinn

"The Fan"

Written by David Abare




FADE IN:

(Colin is sitting in a chair just off set, being interviewed by Interviewer Elsa)

COLIN:

I'm a big deal on Twitter. The fans like to razz me a lot and poke fun at my expense,

(Image of a Tweet saying "The only thing worse than your jokes is your big, fat, stupid face.")

COLIN CONT'D:

but it's all in good fun. I provide them an opportunity, act a conduit if you will, for a more intellectual type of exchange with a celebrity than they may be used to.

(Image of Tweet saying "The conflict between Arabs and Israelis is not just about land, but in my opinion there's a religious aspect that can't be ignored!"

COLIN CONT'D

There are, once in a while, fans that can get a little agitated and hostile if they don't follow the joke or if I don't ReTweet them or whatnot so, I thought about crafting that into an episode where a crazed fan of a Comedian is caught and brought in to be questioned.

(Scene opens in an interrogation room, with a crazed male fan-Dale-type sitting in a chair, holding his iPhone and staring straight ahead with a strange look on his face. Colin is standing on other side of the table and Grace is seated facing the fan.)

GRACE:

Listen, we know that it was you Dale. You've been harassing Bobby Smiggs for over a year now on Twitter and we have the proof. We have printouts of the threats, we have your IP address and phone records and we raided your apartment and we found all the Bobbleheads. If you wanna have any chance of seeing the light of day again you'll start talking!

COLIN:

You hear what my partner is saying here, kid? You can't just Tweet at big time comedians like Bobby Smiggs, things like "I'm gonna face rape you outside the Bodega first chance I get." or "I know where you live, and it's easy to get in I bet" and expect not to be brought downtown!
Cut! (Colin breaks from character and addresses the crew). Should we really be saying "Downtown" when in reality we are in fact uptown?

GRIFFIN:

How would anyone know that though, we have never given a precinct address or even shown the front of the building or a street sign or anything.

COLIN CONTD:

Well I'm just saying that if we are trying to create an authentic "Cop Drama feel" (uses air quotes) then shouldn't we make sure what we are conveying to the audience is honest? For the sake of integrity? Maybe it's time to start thinking about moving the production actually downtown.(A phone alert chime goes off, seemingly from Colin's phone)

GRIFFIN:

I think the target audience we are going for here won't be upset if they find out that we are in fact shooting this uptown. Our budget doesn't allow for portable restrooms or even a First Aid Kit so moving everything downtown is not an option. (Getting annoyed as he notices Colin staring into his phone and giggling. He notices actor playing Dale is doing same thing). What the hell is going on, can we get back to shooting this scene please?

DALE:

(Stands up excitedly) He ReTweeted it! Haha I knew he would. Thanks, CQ.

COLIN: (laughing, and nodding towards Dale)

It's just not something you expect to see. I've never seen it.

GRIFFIN:

What the fuck is going on here? Are you two (motions to Dale and Colin) texting each other right now?

COLIN:

Look at this pic, seriously. It's a fat white cat sitting on a pizza in space. Who thought of that? (Chuckles again)

GRIFFIN:

So, we are shooting an episode of a crazed fan on Twitter harassing a comic and while we are filming you are actually Tweeting with the guy playing that fan?

COLIN:

(Turns phone towards Griffin) Yeah yeah, Irony whatever. Just look at this, really.

(Off set cut away shot)

GRIFFIN: (standing)

My nana told me on my 16th birthday that she would pay for Dental school, a full ride, including an apartment and everything. I could be banging my hygienist and living in Scarsdale right now.

(Back in interrogation room)

GRIFFIN:

Action!

COLIN:

(In aggressive angry tone) Well maybe you think the lockjaw routine will work for you in here but good luck trying that with our cop shrink! He's the best in the business and even if you stay clammed up he will find a way to get what he needs! Or prescribe you something from the Glaxo pharmaceutical suite of products that may help to aid in your social dysfunction or paranoid delusions (looking off camera reading something) or manic depression, or con-conjunctivitis (grimaces and notices director motioning to move along), side effects include-. Joe, cuff this clown and get him over to Doc Jenkins before I lose me temper!

DR. JENKINS (In cut away scene, seated)

Colin asked me to come in and play this part so yeah, I agreed. I don't mind helping the guy out and I took some psychology in high school so it's a pretty great fit actually. I don't know if Im getting paid 'cause Colin likes to ramble when he talks on the phone, or in person-pretty much anywhere-and I honestly just agreed so I could get off the phone and take a squirt.



(Camera pans across the face of Dale horizontally, then slowly across the doctor in same fashion, and back to Dale, again across doctor, again Dale, then doctor then abruptly zigs back to doc and zooms in.)

DR. JENKINS

So Dale, tell me...when did your fixation with Bobby Smiggs begin, do you remember?

DALE: (close up)

I like Twitter. ReTweets get me excited.

DR. JENKINS:

Interesting, but that's not what I asked. However, let's go with that for a second...when you say 'excited' do you mean you get physically aroused?

DALE:

I usually get the most ReTweets of all his fans, and the most favorites. ReTweets are better though. I don't understand why he ReTweets some things and not others though, especially when some of the ones he doesn't ReTweet are funnier than the ones he does, and most of the things I Tweet to him are funnier than his original Tweet.

DR. JENKINS:

Let's get back to the arousal thing for a minute. Are you aware that certain medications can have sexual side effects, therefore limiting your arousal but at the same time curbing your unhealthy obsessions towards Mr. Smiggs? That sounds like a win win and I'm ready to prescribe something from Glaxo.

DALE:

He, like, repeats a lot of stuff too. Familiar subjects for some of the Tweets and references to the same stories over and over. It gets kinda annoying but he's not a real comic like Dane Cook or something so you have to let him work with what he has I guess.

DR. JENKINS

You seem consumed by Mr. Smiggs, Dale. One might even use the word, "obsessed". Do you feel like you're life has become consumed by your imagined relationship with him?

DALE:

Do you think Colin would let me have some of the hair from his hairbrush? Or comb if he uses that? I asked him that on Twitter once but he never responded or ReTweeted it. He didn't block me but he says he never blocks anyone. Do you know if there's a fire escape at his apartment?

DR. JENKINS: (ad libbing and looking off camera)

Uhh, Dale I'm not sure why you're referring to Mr. Smiggs as Colin but maybe the Lexabuterac I prescribe from Glaxo will help with that. We really should focus on-

DALE:

When I went to the open casting call for this I wasn't sure if I would even meet Colin but I when I showed that AD pictures of his parents bound and gagged he assured me I would get a good part and definitely meet CQ. I always call him that. He likes it.

(camera pans to Griffin and crew just off set, looking nervous)

GRIFFIN:

Cut! Hey, that was great, really, uhh, hey let's get Dale something to drink and maybe we can take 5 here for a sec, sound good? Call security (says quietly to a crew member standing by).

CREW MEMBER:

We don't have any security, Mr. Newman.

GRIFFIN:

Well then get a couple of Colin's cousins to take the guy outside or something, there's always like twelve of them hanging around, just get him outta here!

(Scene cuts to a quiet room where Peter is sitting quietly and looks disheveled).

PETER:

Well, obviously had we known that Colin had a fan like this we would have been much tighter with security and, or well, we would have actually hired some security but the budget is really tight and sometimes you are literally choosing between bottled water for the crew or another hour of electricity. In hindsight, security just can't be one of those things we scrimp on and, we of course need a better screening process for the thousands of actors that show up for the open calls each week.

(Scene cuts to footage of approx 12 guys standing in line outside facing a table with someone sitting, sign overhead says "Cop Show Auditions". Guy at back of the line is actor playing Dale, scrolling through his phone.)

PETER:

Colin is a high profile guy and if anything had happened to him, as his manager, well...it wouldn't be the money I would miss because honestly there isn't any but, I'd miss the man. He's the most humble, down to Earth and lovable guy a man could have the pleasure of working for.

I
COLIN: (credits rolling)

Oh come on, these guys freaked out over nothing. So I have a fan that's a little nuts, what A list talent doesn't? See, I address my fans as "gang" (using air quotes), so they know I'm from the streets and can take a licking. No little Twitter bitch is gonna creep up on me and lay me out with a straight right to the chin. I gotta give the guy credit though because I'm a hard guy to get next to and somehow he did it. When you're as popular as I am you need to be cautious but at the same time affable. You need to accept the fact that some of your stories and experiences are going to rile up the N'erdowells who think they can hang with you. Perfect example is this one, which I know makes a lot of people jealous and flap their gums...did I ever tell you about the time I was invited to Robert DeNiros Birthday party?


FADE OUT

Copyright David Abare / Rambling Abare 
2015 

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