Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Top Tips For A Safe Summer

Top Tips For a Safe Summer

So it’s officially summertime and it got me thinking a little bit about the hidden dangers of the season and how all of us can be safer and avoid a variety of perils that are more likely to surface during the warmer months. As my buddy Ward Hamilton mentioned the other day, I am sort of a wise man so why shouldn’t it be me that passes on these important safety tips. Now, Ward drives a motorcycle and has ingested a variety of bugs and critters at high speed, along with suffering mild concussions from Pigeon strikes to the head on said vehicle so his credibility as it relates to my wisdom is slightly in question, but for the sake of this list I will choose to ignore that fact.

Don’t Get Bitten By Mosquitos. Not Even Once.

The humid summer months bring an influx of skeeters that love to suck your blood. Their sole purpose in life is to drill that little pipe of theirs ,Exxon style, right into your skin and drain you of vital hemoglobin. Now, Google searches  along with Web MD and a nurse I used to date suggest that you should try to keep as much blood as you can inside yourself. Having it exit your body can cause headaches, fatigue, rapid heart rate, dehydration, weak erection and in severe cases, not being alive. This is all the evidence I need to do what I can to keep my blood on the inside. So, in order to do this as it relates to mosquitos I suggest the following:

Don’t ever go outside. Mosquitos enjoy the humid outdoors, along with the multitude of creatures they can suck on, so going outside where they prefer to be is a bad idea cause they will very likely find you, especially if you’re wearing Axe body spray or had Indian food the previous night. Sure, the little bastards can get inside and bite you but they become so disoriented inside the home from the odd smells that they often end up trying to suck the wall, or if you’re lucky your cat, which are known to enjoy being bitten and having their bellies rubbed.

If you absolutely must go outside during the summer months, wear a wool sweater over farmer overalls and cover it with a beekeepers outfit. This will not only be very stylish and possibly attract new mates (use caution if already married or attached) but it’s proven to reduce Mosquito bites by 19%, which is really the most any of us can hope for. Mosquito bites can cause horrific reactions like itching, small bumps and annoyance, and because to them your ears smell like the equivalent of a Bacon Scented Yankee Candle, they will often seek out your ears intentionally and the high pitched whine of their wings has been known to cause Leprosy and Diarrhea so be very careful if you start to hear that sound.

Don’t Blow Yourself Up.

I recently left a slow leaking but small propane tank in my car on an 80 degree day with the windows closed following a BBQ we had at work. When I opened the car door, the wave of gaseous fumes hit me like a Hooligan playing the “knockout” game. I was instantly dizzy and sick to my stomach and for a moment I imagined that the 19 cents jingling in my pocket might be enough to ignite a spark and send me soaring, charred and on fire, right over the Arby’s that was in the parking lot next door. Luckily I was able to air out the car and make the cabin safe to exist in again and I imagine that sometime in 2029 it will no longer have the faint smell of gas still clinging to the fibers inside.

The dangers of being blown up increase severely in the summer months because most of us tend to be outside more often (and although blowing up while inside still happens, outside is far more likely) and because the warmth of the air actually increases are desire for combustion and fire (Source: AOL chat Room “expert”, Screen Name: PyroDude69XXX). There are also a couple of sources to cause us to blow up in the summer, and both must be taken very seriously:

Gas grills. Just like my earlier story mentioned, the danger of blowing yourself up with a propane based gas grill is very high. Because blowing up can cause things like severe burns, fingers and limbs ending up in the pool or neighbor’s yard, hair loss, melting and ceasing to exist, we must all be vigilant in avoiding the perils of the gas grill. First and foremost, do NOT attempt to light the grill by placing the Propane tank on the metal grates of the grill after covering with lighter fluid. Also, do not bang the cylinder holding the gas with a hammer if you’re having difficulty lighting the pilot. Finally, avoid leaving the gas valve open and running for 12 or more minutes and then deciding it’s a good moment to be “420 friendly” as then you risk being blown up AND having to have your friend in CO send you more Medical Marijuana inside a My Little Pony box via USPS.

Fireworks. We all love Fireworks. Watching things explode is fun, unless they are yourself. When using Fireworks in these summer months it’s important to remember the 3 L’s of proper Firework use: Light, Leave and Look. Light refers to lighting the firework, which is always advisable to have done by a bratty neighborhood kid, a homeless person or an In-Law. If these aren’t available you can do it yourself with a 43 foot long stick with a gas soaked rag tied to the end (follow earlier rules for having that part lit by others). Once lit, LEAVE. Meaning, run like a squirrel that you just discovered in your cupboard eating your Cat Food. It’s best to be wearing good sneakers or wrestling shoes and avoid flip flops or Ski boots. Finally…Look. Look at what you just did, as you’re about to witness one of the coolest things ever, an explosion! Now, as long as you are several miles away and have on safety goggles and a football helmet you’ll be very safe during the explosion and avoid the chance that a bottle rocket pierces your scrotum or your lady parts. When the explosion is done, check the area for dismembered friends, pets or neighbors and then get back to kicking back with a 40 pack of Natural Light!!

Avoid Getting Partially or Fully Eaten by Shark.

There are several scientists and people with the last name Cousteau that will try to tell you differently, but in the summer months your greatest chance of serious hazard or being dead is from a Shark Attack. Sharks like the taste of people, as proven by the 1997 study done by Red Lobster, Inc. The study was conducted to assist their fisherman in avoiding being eaten while fishing for Crabs, Tilapia and Catfish, which was happening daily. Sharks swim in waters as shallow as 1 inch and can disguise themselves as other fish and have been known to leap out of the water and pluck children from even the inside of boats. As humans that love the summer and want to be at the beach or on the open water, we have to be watching for sharks at all times, and here are some tips:

Don’t Go in the Water, Or Even near It. “You’re going to need a bigger boat” is not just a cool line in an old movie about a giant fish, it’s real life advice. Sharks can eat most boats up to 50 feet and they are also incredibly adept at wiggling as far up the sand as a quarter mile from the water and have been known to gobble up as many as 12 sun bathers at a time before returning to the water to digest the heads and torsos of their victims.  If you’re actually IN the water then you’ve essentially signed your own death certificate because sharks will pick off summer swimmers like the Guppies in your tank at home pull down those flakes of Tetra food. A better course of action is watching movies at home about the beach like, “The Beach” (beware: Shark attack plotline), “Cast Away” or “Blue Lagoon” and drink Coconut Water.

Don’t wear meat flavored cologne or attire made from animals. Sharks prefer to always be eating and they are able to smell potential food items from as far as 13,000 miles away through their fins. If you smell like food to them you have a 6000% higher chance of being bitten or eaten then you normally do while at the beach (which is already a very high 98.65%). If the shark happens to taste you first then the bite will very likely end up being a swallow and you’ll spend your last few minutes on Earth being disemboweled by a creature with like 40,000 teeth WHILE you are drowning. The ONLY thing proven to be a worse death, scientifically, is listening to Josh Groban while driving in a car with your mother in law.

When In Water, Stay Absolutely Still. Sharks essentially know only how to kill and eat, and they are attracted to noisy people, especially fat ones. If you decide to go in the water it’s imperative you remain totally motionless otherwise you will likely get to watch your own arm be snapped off like a twig and be surrounded by a pool of your own blood before you get swallowed whole. Sharks can sense a twitch in your toe underwater from as far away as 4000 nautical miles so if you choose to go in the ocean and enjoy the lukewarm water as you bask in summer’s glow, don’t fucking move a muscle if you prefer life vs. agonizing death.

Summertime is a wonderful season for all of us. Family BBQ’s, camping, travel, amusement parks, outdoor masturbation and Ice Cream; it’s meant to be enjoyed. However, by following these important safety tips you increase your chances of spending the summer still existing in your living form AND not creating situations where you suffer needlessly or end up losing pieces of yourself. Fall has its share of perils as well, and sometime around Labor Day I’ll post those crucial safety tips as well. Until then…Happy Summer everyone!!!

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