My girlfriend and I just finished the series finale of The
Sopranos, and for me it was actually the third go around with the show but she
had never seen it. The series was as good as I remember it, if not better, and
the best part was after the "controversial" ending it was wonderful
having someone intelligent and insightful to discuss it with. Whether you think
Tony was killed at the end (I do, after much discussion with Lenore and some
additional reading and thought) or we were left hanging to ponder if Tony's
fate was simply that he will always be looking over his shoulder or that
metaphorically he's a "Dead Man Walking" because of pending legal
issues and future assailants, there was a theme that I picked up throughout the
show that was likely missed by the masses. Obviously a central focus to The
Sopranos was the therapy Tony was receiving from Dr. Melfi, but it wasn't until
the end that the notion that maybe it was doing more harm than good might be
true. For me as a viewer, watching the show I came away from almost every
episode thinking something along those same lines: "Does therapy have any
chance if the participant isn't willing to do the work?"
Throughout The Sopranos we watch characters like Tony,
Christopher, Janice and Carmella travel the road of attempted self-improvement,
but except for isolated incidents or small slices of time we never really see
an evolved or mentally healthy individual emerge in the end. Christopher made
the most valiant attempt with "admitting he had a problem" and
getting himself into AA/NA, but he consistently regressed back to his
destructive ways because he was unwilling to completely change his life and abandon
the enablers who made a life of sobriety possible. Tony was the biggest
failure, because consistently he used therapy as a method to air his grievances
and seek counsel and/or affirmation that his choices and the results that came
from them were not his fault, instead of being forthright and totally honest
about the details of his life in order to find and effectively treat root
causes. Of course the idea that a Mob Boss with sociopathic tendencies can or
ever will be totally honest about the details of their life is fairly
ridiculous but Tony has a real problem in the panic attacks, and the only
chance he had was to do the work...but he never does. The majority of us in our
day to day lives are guilty of the very same problem.
I like to think I am a pretty decent guy. Funny, charming in
a mildly creepy way, pseudo-intelligent, kind, fair and loyal. However it's not
lost on me that I am also deeply flawed. Yet with each failure in my life I try
to employ that tactic taught to me by my father a long time ago, straight out
of AA, that says you should often take a "searching and fearless moral
inventory" of yourself and that will be the conduit to change. Just like
with the therapy that Tony and others seek in The Sopranos, however, that in
itself can be a vehicle to lead us to change but we have to be the ones that
make the hard choices and do the uncomfortable work that change requires.
Every day, all of us read and post and share inspirational
quotes on Facebook. We add commentary, acknowledging that we believe in the
words or share the ideology, and we espouse some of these ideas in social
gatherings and family outings. Are we "liking" the message, though,
and not truly employing the content it contains? I would venture a guess that
most of my friends on Facebook, co-workers, family and casual acquaintances
would be supporters of statements like "Be the change you want to see in
the world" and "Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your
behavior does", but in practice are any of us adhering to these things consistently?
I know I want to but I often fail just like so many of us. I love the message
but I am not doing the work. But why not? The answer is multi-faceted and
involves everything from laziness to fear to hypocrisy.
Change is difficult, and it involves time, patience,
strength and endurance. Someone's who a drug addict or alcoholic has to change
EVERTHING in their life, and abandon friends and associates who enable and
learn to adopt an entirely new way of thinking about themselves and the world,
and they have to wake up every day of their lives that they seek sobriety
struggling to fight back the disease and embrace the benefits of change while
they attempt to suppress the fears of failure. If we're someone who tends to be
aggressive and adversarial but find it's having a negative impact on our lives
with friends and family and we want to attempt to change that, the path to
peace can be riddled with obstacles. Traffic, annoying co-workers, long lines,
phone trees, political arguments and kids that don't listen; they're all
enablers to our anger. Reading an E Card that says "Cherish the little
things" isn't likely to turn things around for those of us who find
frustration and rage always at the ready. So what do we do?
We do the work, and stop making excuses for the enablers and
pitfalls and distractions in our lives.
In Season 4 of the Sopranos, Carmella visits and older man
for therapy and she essentially complains about Tony the entire time. His
temper, his drinking, the philandering and the criminal activities have all
caused her grief and made it difficult for her to be the happy person she wants
to be, though she has always "supported" him as a wife. However, this
clever therapist isn't buying any of it and explains that she's been an "accomplice"
or in fact and enabler to his bad behavior all along, and of course she has, as
well as used it as an excuse to allow her own mistakes to be ignored. One of
the best quotes from the old man is his response to her telling him that
"My Priest says I should work with him, help him become a better
man," to which he replies "How's that going?". In three words
he's summarized what's wrong the entire situation of their lives, that none of
us can "change" another person but in fact we can fortify their bad
behavior with appeasement, support and even rejection. Neither Tony, Carmela or
any of us can nor will ever change if we don't do the hard work that's required
as an individual to achieve the results we seek. At the very end of the
Sopranos that idea is expanded on when a study is discussed that maybe therapy
for certain personality types is actually harmful because it may actually serve
to validate some of the patients dysfunction and serve as a sort of
"cleansing" instead of force them to be honest about their lives and
actually modify behavior. Therapy and self-improvement without an honest
accounting of who and what we are is nothing more than going on a diet and
eating the same amount of calories except in different foods; it might feel
good at first but nothing will change.
Those of us that really want to improve our lives, be
physically and mentally healthier and be happier more days than we are angry or
depressed have all the tools at our disposal. We have friends, family,
children, therapists, medication and sometimes even wine. We have opulent
sunsets that paint the sky in vibrant reds and yellows and moons so vast they
seem to rest on the horizon and a strangers smile so unexpected in a time we
need it most. We have our lives, the gift that is the vessel that allows us to
experience all things great and small and absorb the majesty of love and
landscape for whatever years we're fortunate enough to travel here. Tools,
however, are useless unless we take them in our hands and do the work that's
required.
Tony Soprano may have died in that final scene or he may
have perished later or he may have gone to Federal prison, but none of that
really matters. He spent most of his life lying to himself and others about who
he really was and therefore never became the man he could have been or
experienced the peace that comes from the freedom of emotional honesty. As the
series showed us (and why so many of us loved it so much), there was a little
Tony Soprano in all of us. The dichotomy in our souls where good and evil are often
juxtaposed, hand in hand even while they battle one another. The desire to be
self-serving instead of self-sacrificing. To commit evil deeds while excusing
it with our own moral code. Doing what is easy and not what is right. Tony, in
many ways, was an everyman, in a world full of men that could serve themselves
and mankind better by working harder to rise above the median and Be That
Change You Want To See In The World.
It doesn't have to just be a photo with a caption on
Facebook that you click "Like" on. It doesn't have to be a dream or
an ideal or a hippie mantra that's left to someone else to try, it can be your
life. You have all those tools. You are the architect, the builder and the
inspector, and you can decide when you're ready, but the project will likely be
fluid and evolving and may never end, and that's OK. Your friends and your
family and even strangers will let you know with their words and gestures if
they like what you've built, and of course they will. Kindness and quality of
heart and soul looks and feels good, and those who share moments in your life
will thank you in ways that can't always be counted...but they will be
measured.
Do the work.
-DAA
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